In my thirties, I became mostly estranged from my family; no one major row over Thanksgiving turkey, but rather, an accumulation of "stuff," resulting in me being excluded from family. My mother started bribing me with large monetary presents to not go home at Christmas, when siblings, their spouses, kids and other relatives gathered, and invitations to family coming of age ceremonies, graduations, weddings, reunions regularly got lost in the mail.
I became a family legend—the bad, ornery woman among a badelynge of nice, polite normals. As the oldest kid in the(extended) family, I am remembered by many as the so-called wild radical. I ironed my long hair, wore mini dresses, overdid colorful eye make-up and hair streaks, and was perhaps too vocal about political and social issues of the 70s, and declared self agnostic at 17.…Once my dad, and several neighbors saw me on television at an anti-war rally, when I was theoretically in college, far away from Washington, and the Pentagon. It could have been me, but I was a Woodstock no-show.
Even after I settled down to being an ever-toiling-overtime-without using-comp-time-pearls-and gray-skirts worker bee, my family never changed their idea of me. The family legend of me grew over the years; some fantastical words and deeds were attributed to me that I wish I had done and said. But. You know I'm pretty shy, and quiet and never bothered to refute myself to the famdamily. Every family member no-call, no-showed my DC wedding; they didn’t like my ex-husband. When I divorced, they lorded their prescient powers over me.
When child was growing up, I missed so much not having family around to celebrate child’s milestones, fuss over child, and cheer child on. No birthday cards, or presents from aunts, uncles, cousins, ever, like I used to receive and cherish, when I was growing up. Occasionally, I sent cards, and gifts to child addressed from various relatives, until child got hip; then I’d always say I couldn’t take time off from work to visit grandpa and grandma, or that we could afford to travel to see only the paternal grandparents, not both.
At various points in the past twenty years, I have pretended to new friends that I was an only child, or that siblings died in a plane crash. Only lately, since the Tori-Candy Spelling feud has made family estrangement seem normal, if anything Spelling can be considered normal, have I been able to say without flinching, that my siblings and I are estranged. Nevertheless, the longing for family inclusiveness achingly persists, like an elephant sitting on my heart. What would I say to my siblings after all these years? I forgive them, plus I almost voted Republican in a DC election once.
My dad and I were not talking at all when he died suddenly on a golf course, some 5 years before my mom. After my mom died, and I didn’t attend her funeral on the other coast, because child was pretty ill and in the hospital when she died, I sent numerous cards, letters to siblings over a two-year period, asking to get in touch, hoping we’d meet again, let it go, but they never contacted me. Nevertheless, I kept on, sappy me, with the college graduation invites, photos, writing as if sibs were responsive.
Last night, the next door neighbors had a noisy party, and I couldn’t sleep. My estranged siblings and other family members were on my mind. Found self for hours Googling and Facebooking various family members, searching for news of them. Couldn't stop doing it. Found several photos of sister, who married a millionaire and has received numerous awards for her charitable work. Gleeful to see that, in her photos, even in her well-cut expensive suits, sister looks obese. Found her daughters, my two nieces, on Facebook. Found news of brother’s business, and his childrens’ photos on Facebook. Isn’t it pathetic to have to find any family news on Facebook!
Although I have some wonderful, and dear friends whom I cherish, and respect, in the end, it’s still the longing for the blood family, the shared genes, the shared childhood memories, shared history. Still the longing… Most families have a degree of intolerance, and perhaps the majority of siblings don’t get on...In our family, my sibs' shunning was extremely hurtful. I cannot describe the pain. How do families ever mend estrangements? What is it about families that make us more accepting and tolerant of friends, but not each other?
